I Never Expected Loving My Daughter To Be So Frightening

cute sleeping baby elly

Who knew?

Not me. I had zero clue you could love another human this much.

I had no idea that when my dream of becoming a dad came true recently that what would follow would be loving on a level I didn’t know existed.

This isn’t to say I don’t love my fiance with every ounce of me—or my parents, or siblings, or friends, etc.

It’s just different.

Elly is two months old and I have to say, I would do ANYTHING for that girl.

We’ve all seen those movies where the dad jumps in front of a bullet or some object for his daughter to save her, and I completely get it now. I would do the same damn thing.

It’s an absolutely insane feeling that frankly I’m still coming to grips with.

On the flip side?

Due to this level of love I feel for my child, witnessing her in pain is like I’m being pierced in the eye with a sharp knife.

Elly has really bad reflux and watching her grunt, grown and moan in severe pain is so incredibly hard to deal with.

I just want it to stop for her. I feel helpless. It’s not fun.

It’s scary.

I know I may be repeating myself, but it’s just so incredible the love you feel for a child that is your own. You are totally head over heals in a truly indescribable way.

Part of my parenting role thus far in Elly’s life has involved putting her to sleep at night after Aralyn breastfeeds her for the final time.

After she falls asleep and is laying there—completely passed out and just the most precious little thing—I find myself muttering the same thing to myself EVERY single night.

First, I take a good look at her and take in the moment briefly. Then I admire her innocence and the beauty of my child for another second.

Following that, without fail and never forced, these exact words fly through my mind. It’s the exact same thing night after night:

“I freakin’ love that girl.”

Maybe not the words you expected me to say haha, but that’s what comes to me. Every. Single. Time.

cute baby elly
So in love with her.

I think I’m still in shock at just how much I love her. On top of that, a friend of mine from my hockey team tells me the love I feel will actually get STRONGER as she grows.

How is that even possible!?!

Admittedly, it’s all a bit scary. I truly don’t understand how people who experience the loss of a child cope with it. I can’t even imagine, and the compassion I have for anyone who has ever been through that is so great.

It’s downright frightening to think anything could happen to her.

I’ve found myself in a full-blown panic a few times when she was totally passed out and not moving—aka “sleeping like a baby.”

For some reason your mind goes crazy places. “Is she breathing!?” “OMG she’s not moving!”

Well yeah, Jake, she’s sleeping!

I can also see how many fathers become overly protective. I will try to find a balance as her dad, but it certainly makes more sense now.

All in all, becoming a father has shown me a new level of love that I am so appreciative of having the opportunity to experience.

A gentleman named Tony wrote to me on our Instagram page recently and said this (which I appreciated very much) “I love your posts! They make me excited to someday be a father. You truly make it seem like such an honor to be her Dad.”

Thank you, Tony, I truly appreciate that!

In response, I told him that’s because it IS an honor. This is no act. Elly has completely changed my life.

I don’t know Tony, but I am so excited for him to get to feel this feeling someday.

In fact, I am excited for anyone who wants to become a mom or dad someday.

How can you not be excited for someone knowing their life is going to completely change in ways they never knew?

I am so blessed. And I am so proud to be Elly’s father.

My life will never be the same because of you, Elly Rae.

And that’s scary.

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